Some thoughts on healing

Let me start right off by saying that intellectually I tend to think of healing as a journey without a well-defined destination, so "getting better" is a continuum, not a place. That sounds logical to me.

Despite the logic, I have still been thinking about what "better" would look like. How will I know I am there? What will be different?

That came about at least partly because I am starting to have thoughts on other things I should do, as well as thinking about things I am already doing. Since I am actively working on this, it does seem like there should be progress markers, and results, without necessarily knowing how tangible they will be.

That may already sound like it's getting a little confusing, but there was a new wrinkle. As I started trying to visualize what a better life would be in the context of healing, there were other things that crept in, for the ideal life, that wouldn't automatically come with healing.

Or would they? If you get healthy enough, does it allow you to get things that you have wanted that have been out of reach? Because there are probably some things that you won't feel the same desire for after getting better, but it's a nice thought that anything could be possible.

It's a bit of a moving target.

This is probably too abstract to make any sense, so let me try and be more concrete.

Some of the ways in which I have been broken have involved my ability to trust others. This is largely a reflection of my own feelings of self-worth, because why should they care about me?

Healing would definitely involve knowing that I have value, but would it also involve finding it easier to trust people? People can still be pretty horrible. Should it be a goal to trust other people, or just a goal to accurately understand my worth?

If I do become trusting, then do I trust someone to love me and have a relationship? Like in this life, pre-Millennium? I honestly have no idea.

Possibly it's just that some of this is too far ahead, but some of it involves things outside of my control. Gaining an accurate sense of my value is one thing. Finding someone I would like to marry, who would reciprocate, and be free to do so -- that's a lot of moving parts there.

I am fairly comfortable with that. I don't think it hurts to try and glimpse the big picture or the future, but most of my thoughts need to focus on the concrete things that I need to do next. That seems most practical.

It can also be helpful to take a look back. There has been a lot of growth.

One year ago, I was still reading the books for this. I was going through the exercises that I wrote about last week. I was blogging about topics that I had been wanting to get to for a long time, and I was writing in my journal, but I wasn't getting much creative writing done.

That was then. I finished up the reading in the fall. I did the month of 6 page screenplays in October. Since then I have published three books: first revising one old novel, adapting a second novel from a screenplay, and then giving it a sequel:

http://www.amazon.com/Gina-Harris/e/B00OC0N218/

Things are happening. They aren't even happening particularly slowly if I allow common sense to overrule my impatience. So what happens next?

I feel like my next two screenplays will be pivotal, but I have been facing a lot of obstacles getting started on the first of them. I may be on the wrong track, and need to correct. We'll see.

For the blog I am going to spend a little more time writing about what healing looks like, and what I am doing and still need to do. There may be some answers in there.