Things to do

Never one to shy away from stating the obvious, I'm going to come right out and say that trying to heal emotionally, which is very entwined with the physical, while also attempting to make my writing pay and not drop any of the balls that I already had in the air, is hard.

It's tiring, it's easy to lose my place, and all of the wounds that aren't healed yet are likely to reopen.

I periodically refer back to my paper, but some of the things written there are things I want, or problems I see, and some are things to do. Today I want to review the action items so I have a clearer picture of that going in.

Some of them are things I have already done. I figured out what I needed to regarding the chakras. I think I am done there, at least for now.

The idea that came with them, of building on a foundation, relates to something else I wrote. There are some words linked horizontally:

Don't cry - shame - fat - can't be loved - can't trust/Dad/driving

That's the order those things happened in, and they did build on each other. Getting over not being able to drive feels really important, but I don't feel capable of taking it on. Maybe it's because it came last, and other things need to be strengthened first before there is enough of a foundation for it.

I do have some ideas for things that would help. Bridgestone has a driving course that helps acclimate you to driving in bad weather, and there are racing classes and even stunt driving classes. I am not sure how practical some of those would be, but if I add an element of mastery to driving, where I am studying it aggressively and pushing the limits, then maybe I won't be scared on the streets. It's just something I can take on now.

Under disconnection with body I have "Reconnect", with "Physical needs met" below that, and various things that I try to do to the side. They are all self-care really, remembering to take care of my body, because it has value, and to take care of me, because I have value. Sometimes I am more in the zone than others. That one will always be ongoing.

I have a reference to old pictures, referring to the Throwback Thursdays. That's in progress, and about halfway done. The other part of that, though, will be selfies - probably daily selfies for a year. If I had a smart phone, and could just snap a picture and post it, I might start that now, or maybe take a weekly selfie and start daily ones after the last Throwback Thursday. Other people have found it helpful, and I am going to try it, but I am allowing the technical issues to delay it.

Well, the technical issues plus I am doing something else. If I get to the last Thursday (November 12th) and I still don't have a smart phone, I guess I will start taking them daily with my regular camera, but maybe I will only upload and post them weekly.

The other thing I have below that is to go through my old mission journals. I have wanted to go back and transcribe them before, but it's a big project. I feel like it will be pertinent here because as we are thinking about loneliness and trust, there may be some pertinent companion issues in my past. I can see maybe starting that in August. I came home in August 1994, so there's some symmetry there.

"Writing a fat heroine" - that is under "able to see the good", meaning to visualize a positive outcome for me as fat. I believe in the importance of representation, and I have read some powerful pieces on it, but that is something I have always held back from. Even when my heroines are really close to me personality-wise, they are always thinner. Claudia feels fat, but she isn't really; she's just not skinny.

There is a practical aspect to that, because so many stories have been set in dangerous landscapes - post-apocalyptic or not - that being spry just increases one's odds of survival. I might be good at killing giant spiders, but you've got to run and hide sometimes.

Still, while fully acknowledging that there is a lot to unravel with health and fat and attractiveness and ridiculous standards, my worth as a person is independent of my dress size, and I should be able to believe that, and believe that I am worthy of love as I am. There is an abyss between that and where I am, but it's important to traverse.

That ties in with the other thing I wrote:

"I need to get comfortable with being lonely."

It made sense when I wrote that, because I need it to not be desperate about it, and when I wrote it, it seemed impossible that it would ever change.

I'm not sure I should settle for that, but I'm not sure exactly what goes into settling or not settling. That one may have to be the last thing I work on. Except for driving.

And I am adding making a vision board to help me put it all together with the things that I want.