My mother's daughter

For all of the various to-do lists that I have where I have down things that I need to do for my mother, I don't see any of that on the To-Do list:

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/10/this-next-section-to-do.html

I have that I am worried about her under the Problems, and I promise there have been many, many entries in other places about things I wanted to try or that I needed to remember to do, but it's odd that it didn't end up on the one list. The only explanation I can give for it is that I might have this belief that if I improve myself enough, and become a good enough person, then it will all work out.

In that way it becomes part of the larger issue of where I am supposed to be in between the pressure I put on myself to be better and the understanding that I am human and need to have some leeway. I should have down time, but then I am wasting time. I can't constantly deprive myself and expect to excel, and yet it's not good to be overly self-indulgent. I might have left it out because of a secret belief that the only way to heal her is via my perfection.

That may not be it. It may have been that the other entries on other lists seemed like enough. Worse, it may have reflected a kind of fatalism - this is not going to be fixed, and your worry is not going to go away.

That should not be quite right either. There are things that make a difference. As we put more and more fish into Mom's diet, she has seemed a little better. It's funny and sad how much I hate even the smell of fish, and the hardship this creates of a fairly simple task, but I do it because I love her and I believe it helps.

Last week she lost a sister-in-law, and I had her write to her niece to offer condolences. For a very short message, it shouldn't have taken so long to write, but that's how we roll. Nonetheless, one of my sisters remarked that she seemed more on the ball that night. I believe that helped her.

One of the books on the list was Her Mother's Daughter: A Memoir of the Mother I Never Knew and of My Daughter Courtney Love by Linda Carroll. Carroll was adopted and eventually got to know her birth mother, so there is that relationship, and the relationship with the parents who raised her, and then the relationships with her own children, including one who has been famously difficult.

For the Long Reading List it fit in with difficult childhoods, but also some other reading material that dealt with adoption tied in really well. Perhaps its overall message has ended up being that there are some things you can't fix, in spite of love. Fixing yourself first is a good thing, and a reasonable priority, but there will still be things you can't change.

One thing that I have always seen as a difference between my mother and myself is that she worries a lot, about everything. I thought I was opposite, but am not sure now. I can find lots of problems and let them eat away at me. I worry more for her. It doesn't really help. My worrying won't take away her dementia.

But my acting can make some things go better for longer. Today I wrote up reference sheets for her on the areas where she gets confused most. I had this idea for drawing some maps that could be helpful too. I can try that tomorrow.

It doesn't take the worry away. I don't really have a solution for that.

I'll just do what I can.